A show for the neighbours?
I would assume that everyone here is in agreement on these issues, but I've seen more than a few husbands vilified when they were simply doing the right thing.
"In the interest of full disclosure, and to prevent any future misunderstandings, I feel it's necessary to verbalize my beliefs. Since this ceremony is being videoed, my wife and I will always have a copy to which we can refer should any questions ever crop up."
"This is rather unusual," the priest pointed out as he shifted his gaze from me to my bride and then to our gathered friends and families. "But, if you feel this is absolutely necessary, then please proceed."
"Thanks. I'll try to keep it brief," I replied easily. "Nancy and I are making all kinds of promises here today about love, honor, fidelity and things like that. I'm all for it. I really am.
"The problem, as I see it, is the lack of consequences. None are mentioned and that seems to lead to all kinds of problems farther down the road for a lot of married people. It's my opinion that Nancy and I should have a clear understanding of what we expect in our marriage as well as what measures we will take if one of us fails to live up to our vows."
"What do you mean, Jake?" asked Nancy with concern. "I don't understand the 'measures' thing you're talking about."
"It's pretty simple, really. We're promising before God and family that we'll always be faithful loving spouses. That sounds good, but how do we know that you'll honor your vows, or that I will, for that matter?" I explained as everyone leaned forward in their pews to hear me better.
"I had a cousin who came home and found his wife in bed with his best friend. He beat the living shit out of the former best friend and immediately drove his wife to Mexico where he sold her to a whorehouse. He made a few bucks off the cheating bitch to help cover his gas and food on the trip. He'd be here today if the warden would have allowed it," I added.
"What happened when the family found out about Tom's defense of his home and his honor? I'll tell you what. His wife's family kept digging around until they found out what he did with the worthless cunt. They had him arrested and charged with all kinds of shit.
"They went to Old Mexico, bought the diseased whore and then brought her back. She wound up with all of their savings, their home, custody of the kids and several rather virulent STDs.
"Then his so-called best friend, who happened to have served as best man at his wedding, paid off a couple of goons to work him over in the big house."
By this time my best man lost his color and began to sweat. My bride was behaving a bit strangely, as well. Her mother was holding a tissue to her eyes as she listened closely for my next words.
"That's why we need to discuss consequences. I want Nancy to tell God, friends and family that she understands that I will have my pound of flesh if she's ever unfaithful. I want my best man and my groomsmen to acknowledge that I would have every reason and right to beat the living Be-Jesus out of them if I ever have reason to believe that they have been inappropriate in any way with my wife."
"Jake, I'm good with it!" stated my best man nervously as the groomsmen all vigorously nodded their agreement.
"What about you, Nancy?" I asked my betrothed gently. "Do you accept that I'll exact a painful and costly revenge if you ever even think about cheating on me?"
"Of course! I'm proud to be Australian!" declared Nancy. "I could never disrespect you like my mother's cousin in England does her fag cuck husband. On this continent, men are men and I wouldn't have it any other way."
"I'm pleased to hear you say that, Sweetheart," was my immediate reply. "I need to be certain that your friends understand how things are going to be before we wrap up this ceremony."
I held my hand out to my best man and he placed a pick handle in it. I hefted it carefully before turning to the bridal party and speaking directly to them.
"If any of you nasty skanks ever influence, or even try to influence, Nancy to consider strayi