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About making choices to work in the porn industry...

What happened between us last night, that was -- amazing. It will remain amazing in my mind for as long as I live. I will keep it between us for as long as I live, but Felicia, if I didn't tell you now, this very moment, I would never have forgiven myself.

I love you, Felicia Beck -- I always have and I always will." I took a final breath and stood up, ready to face whatever came next.


I looked at this woman who had so long ago grabbed on to my heart and soul and held it tight. She had the power to crush me and yet, I knew whatever she did, I would be able to bear it because I trusted her.

"You had me at `Felicia'," she smiled at me and threw her arms around my neck. There were sharp bolts of lightning going through my body as the woman I loved returned my love the way I hoped she would. Yes, it might have been corny and a bit clich__d and I honestly didn't care. At that very moment, I was on top of the world and I was ready to stay there for a few thousand years, if need be.

Some couples need their love to go through a baptism or a test of fire. That had certainly been the case for the two of us, we had stayed partners and friends through every travail a person could survive. There are those that believe in fate and maybe that is true as well. I would not have met Felicia had I not decided to take a second chance at my writing career and believed in my own ability to succeed.

Yet, Felicia herself was a part of that. She was probably the best cheerleader an ex-drunk like me could have ever had. She believed in my abilities and she seemed able to find the chinks in my armor and the flaws in my writing. Her research always complimented and enhanced my own writing. If I got a bit maudlin, she would warn me and if I got morose or lost faith in a story, she wasn't afraid to slap me silly. She was also sensible enough to let me find my way to her.

After my wife Lauren left me, I'd given in. Only when my family threatened to cut off my trust did I decide to crawl out of the pit. Despite all my years of crawling into a bottle, I had retained a modicum of my writing ability. The spoiled rich kid had a way with words and so I came crawling back (my words) to the family magazine. What actually happened is my family threatened to make cutbacks if I wasn't rehired. That was all that they did and now, the onus was on me to prove I wasn't washed up. Here's where fate (and my old man) intervened.

Felicia Beck was a child prodigy hired at 19 because she had already graduated university with two separate degrees. An IT whiz, my dad saw potential in her, despite her slightly-wacky persona and demeanor. Management didn't and stuck her in the back of the offices, where she would have been wasted if fate hadn't stepped in (or me about to fall flat on my recently-sober face).

We were two people who needed each other and complimented each other. Felicia backed up all my words with hard, solid, indisputable evidence. I gave her credibility and a sense of purpose, which grounded her. Once we started rising in the ranks, something else happened. The timid little IT girl came out of her shell and blossomed. She had the money and the inclination to dress nicely -- and it paid off, nearly to my detriment. One of the other authors at the magazine, a young fiction superstar named Brendan Palmer, noticed her. They began having lunches -- a lot of lunches.

I woke up and smelled the coffee and knew I had to do something.

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