Even the Love Boat wasn't like this.
"Then why - "
"Alex? Would you like to explain?"
"Okay. Well I had morning sickness really quickly - ten days after our...night...and I came to see your wife on your last day in Rio. You were out getting food. I took a couple tests and found out I had actually taken after only one night."
"So you think that I'm the father?"
"Oh we know you're the father," said my wife.
"That was the first time in a year that I - "
"But I had a test run remotely anyway because, well, I'll let her explain."
After a moment, Alex continued, "That day Vessa told me about her experimental drug and invited me to try it with her and, well, I accepted." She looked down at her belly. "And that's why I'm already so..."
"Pregnant!" said my wife. She was oddly happy about all of this.
"But it's only been two months and you look like you're in your what, sixth month?"
"I'm sorry," she said.
"Oh no! It's okay. Really, you look lovely."
"It's your fault that she's so big, you know," said my wife.
"What do you mean? I thought you said she was taking the drug."
"Then what - "
Well a few weeks ago when I had my growth spurt, I set myself to studying the issue a bit more closely. When I looked at the data I found that I was the only...overly fecund...outlier in my test study. Even despite the three girls in here and my general...fertility. My fetuses are fifty percent larger than I predicted they would be before I became pregnant, even including the extra drug growth. Then Alex called me and explained how she could no longer hide her belly any longer and I asked her to fly over while she still can. And so here we are."
"But that still doesn't answer..."
"Don't you see?! You're the reason we're so big!" Vessa was happier than I've seen her in months. "There's nothing wrong with my drug! It was you!"
"What do you mean?"
"I had your DNA studied and it turns out a small fraction of the population - I'm not sure exactly what percentage yet - has a rather extreme reaction to the drugs, probably due to an odd gene. It just so happens that you're one of them. And so here we are," she looked down at her belly and cupped it lovingly.
"But isn't that still a rather serious problem?"
"Not really, we just need to be more careful physically and monitor our nutrition."
"Well that's a relief I suppose," I said. I had no idea what to say. "Brilliant work, Honey. I knew you'd figure it out."
"Thanks, Baby. But Alex deserves some praise as well, don't you think?"
"You're right. Where are my manners? Thanks for your...uh...contribution Alex. You've no idea how much of a weight off our shoulders this is."
"Off the shoulders and into the belly!" said my wife.
"I'm so glad I could help. Really, you don't know how happy I am," said Alex.
There was a strange pause. She was still behind a thick layer of ice for some reason. Despite what she said, she was still so sad... I looked at Vessa. She leaned in to whisper to me in Norwegian.
"Alex called me in tears yesterday when her parents saw her belly after she got back from the gym. She hadn't told them she was pregnant. Plus they're rather...devout Catholics."
"They kicked her out of the house so I told her I'd pay her to fly over and be in my study. I was going to set her up in a hotel but seeing how she's pregnant and doesn't speak any Norwegian and has no friends here, I figured she could move in with - "
"Of course she can!" I said in English. "Alex, would you like to move in with us?" I stood and took Alex's hands in mine to pull her up as well. Vessa smiled at me.
She had a tear in her eye and looked up at me, "So you're not angry with me for keeping your baby?"
"Of course not! I think it's wonderful."
"Even though I didn't tell you?"
"You're telling me now aren't you?"
"But won't you hate me for being here, Vessa?"
Vessa labored to stand up and put a hand around Alex's waist.