Depressed young woman finds a new kind of therapy.
As I pondered over this, Patrick rose shakily from his chair, walked over to the TV, and cut off the tape. "This is what went on last session. I have to say I was...very surprised."
"So am I!" I exclaimed, perhaps a bit too loudly, but I was really surprised. "Hell, I don't even know how to give a blowjob, much less give a good one."
"Obviously she does," Patrick replied, his face blushing a deep pink again.
"Well, of course...you experienced it firsthand!"
"Yes...I suppose I did," he said, staring at the TV screen, which was now dark and blank.
"Well, is that what got rid of my anxiety? Me unleashing that...that woman for just a little while?" I was disgusted with myself for even having such a dark side. And to think that unleashing her on the world might be my ticket to getting well from my anxiety and depression? It appalled me.
Patrick looked at me carefully, obviously seeing the woman I had become contrasted with the woman I was normally. "Did you really not know you had these...tendencies?" he asked delicately, not wishing to anger me.
"No, sir, I didn't," I replied honestly. "I thought I was just a bumbling idiot in love. I never know how to seduce a man...I've never even tried to do it. I don't know the right ways to walk or talk or look or act to make a man horny. Hell, most men disregard me in a second just because of the economy-size load of junk in my trunk!" I said the last sentence half-jokingly.
"The thing is," I continued, "I'm innocent partially by choice and partially by circumstance. I'd like to learn to seduce a man and make love to him, but every time I think about it, I get scared. I'm...uh..." I stopped, afraid to continue with the soul-baring thought that was within my head.
"Go ahead, Lily," Patrick said soothingly.
"Well...um...the only thing that comes to mind is that I'm scared to trust another person with the well-being of my body. I'm scared of the pain that comes with having sex for the first time. I'm...scared of what I'll become when I lose my virginity---the innocence that has become almost a trademark with me. I'm scared of becoming that," I said, gesturing toward the TV screen, referring to my other self. I fell silent, and Patrick knelt before me and looked up into my eyes.
"Do you know you just revealed more about yourself in the last two minutes than you have ever revealed to me in the course of these last six months of therapy?"
"I don't know why I did...it just sort of came out," I said, sheepishly.
"Like things just sort of...came out in the hypnosis session?" he asked, smiling at me. I couldn't help but giggle a little bit.
"Yeah...my God, I can't believe that crap. I mean, I know it's right on the tape, but I can't believe that side of me exists. People would never believe it." I paused, and my voice involuntarily tightened in my throat.
"I mean, what would my parents say?" I said, with quiet hushed intensity, as if I was trying to keep a secret. "What would my friends and family and business associates say?" I cast my eyes down in thought, visualizing my life as it would be with this new personality of mine let loose. It was almost impossible to see my life the same way, and I shook my head slightly, tears beginning to well in my eyes.
"How would they see me as the same person I've always been when this side of me is finally revealed, Patrick?" I asked him, desperation rising in my voice as I said it. "My God, it would wreck everything I've worked for, everything in my world would come crashing down, and...oh, God!"
My voice broke, and my hands covered my face instinctively as I leaned forward in my seat and started to cry, my elbows on my knees, my fingertips pressed into my forehead, and my shoulders heaving with every sob and gasp I made. Patrick had probably seen many women cry in therapy, but I doubted he'd ever seen a woman cry over being scared of her sexuality.
"Now, now, Lily, we have to work through this," he said gently, reaching up to caress my shoulders softly.